Addiction Sucks

A swirling vortex of terror is an accurate description of food addiction. As with any addiction, it is extremely difficult to conquer. My body will just not allow me to do it. Intentions mean nothing. All the facts of the damage I am inflicting on my body does not matter. Knowing it is slowly killing me, does not matter.

Oh, it matters, but not enough to make me fight past my body’s addiction to food, and knowing that destroys my spirit. It makes me feel weak and defeated. The more I try to succeed and the more I fail the more I fall deeper into a depression. A swirling vortex of terror.

Do I hate my life this much that I don’t care that I’m killing myself? Do I hate my family this much that I will orphan them prematurely? How selfish am I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself that it is not me, but the addiction that holds my body captive. My body is just addicted to the chemical release these sugary and fattening foods release. These feelings of pleasure and relaxation, I hate that I need them.

Will I ever overcome? What will it take to get me to win? Do I have to wait for a devastating health issue to convince me? I hope not. I need this.

Please let tomorrow be the day.

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Not As Easy

Who am I, really? I am a man of contradiction. A man who wants certain things but does the opposite. Knows the direction to go but heads the other way. All the time knowing he is doing it. Why?

Why do I turn to food as a form of satisfaction? Why do I need to overeat as if I am never getting food again? Why am I addicted? Why?

I have experienced the joy of success in getting control of my diet and the rewards of weight loss, but then I fall off the wagon and lose all the ground I’d gained. Why?

The Apostle Paul said, in the Bible,  “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” I know he was speaking about sin and the human sin nature, and that probably has something to do with this issue. That’s another blog post all together.

It seems I have two different people living in me. The one who wants to be healthy can’t seem to win. I can see myself doing what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get my body to do it. Does this mean that I don’t want to be healthy? It must because I am not doing what it takes.

This sickness is very confusing. I know an addiction is a chemical imbalance of sorts and my body is actually working against itself to try to satisfy the addiction, but I sure do take it personally and beat myself up about it.

I know I have to take some personal responsibility and I do a great job beating myself up. I am a little punch drunk. Food has bested me this week, and I let it. I feel like Rocky Balboa after a good butt whipping.

I need to be saved from this. There must be a pill or something out there, right? No? I didn’t think so.

The Damage Is Done

Back on shore in the lovely U.S. of A! The cruise I have been longing to go on is over. Vacation is finished, and I am sad to say that I am back in reality.

So, you might be asking how I did eating on my trip. Well, I am happy and sad to say that I did not control myself in the least bit. I am happy about that because I knew I was going to let myself indulge and I did. I am sad also because I did indulge and gained more weight than I wanted to.

Since this was a planned action, the test will be this week as I plan to get back on my pre-trip eating plan and drop these new found pounds and then some.

It is time to see if I have any discipline stored up. I am praying I do. I have a good feeling about this time around. Post trip reengaging has always been hard for me. I am staying positive.

Eureka

Smee: I’ve just had an apostrophe.

Captain Hook: I think you mean an epiphany.

Smee: [gestures his fingers to his head] Lightning has just struck my brain.

Captain Hook: Well, that must hurt.

The quotes are from the 1991 movie, Hook, starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. Great movie, by the way.

Anyway, I just had an epiphany, and it did hurt a little. I think I discovered that my goals were all wrong! I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing. I have been focusing on a number on my scale and counting how many days I was going without certain foods.

Needless to say, I hit my goal. I wanted to be a certain weight before I left on my cruise on Saturday, and I hit it this morning. I was super happy, to say the least. So, I rewarded myself with some treats I had been craving and using as a physiological reward in my mind for the past month. I ate it, and I will admit, I ate too much. I had gone too far.

As I sat on the couch stuffed, it dawned on me. Was starving myself and refraining to the point I stuff myself as soon as I hit a goal really worth it? The craving is gone because my belly is full. For a month, I counted calories and craved like crazy. Could I have seen the same or similar results if I would have kept myself satisfied with nutrition and splurged now and then? I think so.

I need to focus on a long life, healthy lifestyle, not a life of losing weight. A life of balance, moderation and taking every day as just one day in a life of thousands. Let’s see what tomorrow holds.

Nothing To Fear

Many of us who are on a quest to lose weight have a common enemy. No, I’m not taking about food. Food is not an enemy. We are foods enemy. We eat to much of it. I’m talking about the scale!

1510871_10205741843807596_3470140103577983125_nI wake up every morning and dread getting on it. I know that some of you don’t advocate getting on the scale every day, but I need the the motivation. I call it motivation but I am not sure that is the proper word. If I did not lose weight, then I am upset and want to quit. I probably won’t quit, but I want to. If I actual lose weight, then I am happy.

I hate the scale. I’m neurotic. I weight myself at night to see if I have stayed close to my weight during the day. I know I will lose at least a pound or two overnight, so I gauge it. I’m definitely a sicko, but it works for me.

 

In The Zone

As of yesterday, I finally was able to get out of bed and move around. I got back on track with counting my calories. I had put on 2 pounds in the two days I was sedentary. Luckily, those have found their way off again. I’m still a little frustrated as I lost a few days of potential headway.

Today, for the first time, I did not want to cheat. I am one week from the mini finish line I set for myself. In other words, I have one week until the trip I was using as motivation for weight loss. I’m close. I can see the finish line, and there is a chance I will win this one. It was a big goal, and it’s a neck in neck dash for the finish line. I want this!

I am too close to mess it up by cheating. I will stick to my healthy eating, I will continue to lose weight, and I will stay in control of the outcome. I can taste the spoils of victory.

Driving Crazy

I am driving myself crazy! This is day two, and hopefully my last day of rest. I am still recovering from my procedure and hopefully tomorrow I will venture out, and get back on my feet. I still can’t lift or go to the gym until next week, but I can at least get my blood pumping by moving around.

It appears I have gained a pound or two from being bed ridden, even though I did not eat poorly. I just did not burn any of the calories that I normally would have just taking care of day to day tasks.

Today, I did not even want to eat I was so upset at gaining. I know it is probably water weight, and I’ll probably lose it quickly, but I am a nut case. I now want a Chik-fil-a sandwich and fries! I won’t have one, plus no one would get it for me if I asked. Darn, people who love me!