Today I reflect on the long road I have come and the long journey ahead of me. I have fought food addiction for decades. Many of those early years, I had no idea I was addicted. Every time I reached a goal I would relax and celebrate by going on a binge of eating all the foods I had refrained from while on a diet. This caused me to spiral back into the swirling vortex of my addiction. A day would turn into two. A week turned into a month, and so on.
Each time I would say, “This is it! I’m never going back to my old weight!” Unfortunately, each time I did, and usually a bit farther. The last major victory, I had, was over the summer came to an end in October of last year. I had gotten to the heaviest I had ever been the previous year, and I was in a bad place. I got strict and had the best results ever. I lost 60 pounds and was looking good. I figured if I could maintain that for a bit, and just lose a pound or two a week. Then I would have it made. A perfect blend of eating some stuff I wanted, while keeping up with healthy choices.
I told myself, “If I put on more than two pounds, I will get strict for a day or two until it comes off.” Made sense. That worked the first time. Then two became five. Then I got strict for a day. Then five became ten. Got strict for a day or two. Ten became fifteen, and then the floodgates opened. I have gained back 75% of the weight I had just lost.
Once again, my goal is to not fall into the same pattern this time. Trouble is, I can’t figure out why it will be different this time.