A swirling vortex of terror is an accurate description of food addiction. As with any addiction, it is extremely difficult to conquer. My body will just not allow me to do it. Intentions mean nothing. All the facts of the damage I am inflicting on my body does not matter. Knowing it is slowly killing me, does not matter.
Oh, it matters, but not enough to make me fight past my body’s addiction to food, and knowing that destroys my spirit. It makes me feel weak and defeated. The more I try to succeed and the more I fail the more I fall deeper into a depression. A swirling vortex of terror.
Do I hate my life this much that I don’t care that I’m killing myself? Do I hate my family this much that I will orphan them prematurely? How selfish am I? What the hell is wrong with me?
I keep telling myself that it is not me, but the addiction that holds my body captive. My body is just addicted to the chemical release these sugary and fattening foods release. These feelings of pleasure and relaxation, I hate that I need them.
Will I ever overcome? What will it take to get me to win? Do I have to wait for a devastating health issue to convince me? I hope not. I need this.
Please let tomorrow be the day.