Drain Bamage

There is something seriously wrong with me, and it is OK for you to laugh. I am currently laid up in bed after a minor, but routine out-patient procedure. To keep my blood sugar up, I need to eat more calories than I have been restricting myself to. I got home last night and ate a small plate of food, but should of had more. I almost passed out during the night when I got up.

So, my spouse was a tad upset with me and told me that if I even mentioned trying to stay on my low calorie regiment, I’d be whacked. Of course, it was said in jest, but honestly, I don’t want to gain weight so bad that even when I physically need more calories to survive I try not to or feel guilty about eating. Is that sick, or what?

I am a nut job. I know it is not a big deal in the grand scheme and my health depends on it, but I am hesitant. Dummy. No worries, I will do as the doctor tells me to and eat. It’s not like I am eating cake and ice cream. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get to the gym for a week or so because of the procedure, so I guess that aids my concern.

Anyway, I seem to be stuck with drain bamage. That reminds me of a great Bill Cosby act. Enjoy!


The Battle Rages

I love history. I enjoy reading, and studying the past. One of my favorite parts of history is past military conflicts. I could spend hours reading and learning about how battles were raged in the past. The strategy, the near misses, the subtle things that cause a skirmish to end up one way or another. My brain is in constant battle with itself.

A battle rages and decisions are fought over. I want the results of not being addicted to food. I want the weight loss. I want to not be addicted to food. I want to be healthy. I want my entire brain to be in agreement. It seems that one side of it is hell-bent to get me to eat and gorge myself with sugar, and fatty foods. The other wants the freedom, and positive results.

As day 13 comes to a close, the battle was once again bloody, but I have stayed the course. This battle was won, but the war rages on.

This Party Is Getting Old

I am getting tired of being good. Tired of eating healthy. I’m tired of fighting these cravings. I want sugar! I want tasty, high calorie, fatty food! Uye, this is crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m seeing results. I have stuck to my diet, lost weight and have not cheated once.

I keep telling myself to hang in there. I am ten pounds away from my first goal. I have more to lose but I set a goal to be a certain weight by a certain day and it’s within reach. The problem is that it is taking to long and I am about out of patience.

Maybe, if I was not hungry all the time, I would not think of food so much. Maybe if I had long term vision I would be goal oriented more than focusing on the daily task of getting to that goal. At least, I am afraid to cheat for fear of the guilt I’ll have for blowing it and the overwhelming feeling of failure. So, I guess that can be seen as a positive.

I guess the old saying is correct, if you don’t have to work hard for something, it’s not worth having. That’s true. Problem is, I don’t keep it long once I obtain it.

Here’s to getting to my goal, keeping it, and staying the course!

The Reason For My Suffering

Like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I need a goal and a reason to lose weight, and eat healthy. Since the end of September 2014 through New Years day, I’d put on 30 pounds. Luckily, for me, I have a cruise with family and friends scheduled for the 31st of January. So, like a good food addict, I decided to try to lose about 25 pounds before the trip.

Today is day nine, and I have not cheated in any way. I have lost 10 pounds, and it is noticeable. I am happy with my results and hope to keep it up for another 17 days. I am confident I will get to my goal, even though I crave everything I can’t eat.

The serious issue, which has me, and my spouse worried is that my goal is a floating, 24-hour buffet, and I want to, and probably will, eat everything onboard. I know that is a horrible thought process. It reminds me of a story I once heard a preacher tell. It was a man dying of emphysema and going to an old town revival meeting in hopes of getting God to heal him. The evangelist at the revival prayed for the old-timer, and while praying he noticed a pack of cigarettes in the dying man’s pocket. He went to remove them while praying for the coughing man, but the old man blocked his access to the cigarettes. He tried to get them again, with the same result. Finally, the evangelist asked the old man why he wouldn’t let him take the cigarettes away if he wanted God to heal his disease. The old fellow replied that he wanted God to heal him so he could smoke more.

That was a true story, and so is mine. I am counting the days until I can eat whatever I want, until my heart is content. Oh, I tell myself and my spouse that I will use moderation and not overdo it, but I know the truth of what I really want. I don’t want to make myself sick, but I want to eat a lot. I will go and spend an hour on the treadmill as many days as I can to burn some calories, but I know I will not burn near enough to not gain back weight on this trip.

Maybe I am speaking this way because I am so hungry from cutting calories and exercising, but one thing is true, though; all, I think about, is food. I want food. Every piece of food, I want to eat it. Maybe I am dramatic. I have been accused of that before, but I love food.

When I get back from this trip I hope and pray that I will get back on a balanced diet of eating right and exercising. I don’t want to crave fatty and sugary foods anymore, but I do.

So, until I can figure it out how to defeat these cravings, I will carry on.

Will This Ever End

How long will it take to change my thinking? I want to not be tempted by food. I want to be able to say, “No.” I want to eat healthy without counting the days until I can eat everything not healthy. Why can’t I be focused on losing weight and getting healthy, instead of focused on the fact I am not eating garbage. I want garbage.

My brain just does not want to change. I want to lose weight, get healthy, and eat whatever I want. I guess that means that I want my cake and to eat it too, literally. I love cake. I can’t. If I eat what I want to, I will go off the deep end. Does this mean that I will need to abstain from these foods forever? I can’t even start to fathom that.

So, does this mean I am locked into this loop forever? Lose weight, gain it all back, and more, lose it again, before starting the loop again? That can’t be a healthy lifestyle. How do I break this pattern? Can I be cured? It does not feel possible.

I guess, until I figure it out, I’ll just keep losing weight while eating healthy and hope that when I get down to my goal weight that I’ll find a life of moderation.

An Eerie But Familiar Feeling

The night of the 7th day of successful eating comes to a close. I have lost nine pounds this week, but it’s not enough to stop it. I feel it coming on like a flood. That strong voice seems to come from my stomach. It has joined forces with my brain to send an overwhelming desire to eat what I shouldn’t.

I so badly want pizza right now that it scares me. My body wants it, but I don’t want to ruin my progress. What if I do not have the strength tomorrow to abstain? My brain is telling me that I should reward myself and that one day of eating what it wants won’t be bad.

It will be bad. I will fall back and lose everything again. I don’t want that, but I want pizza. I am so hungry right now. Why am I controlled by my hunger? When will I be able to control these urges? How do I get back in control? This needs to end.

I’m legitimately nervous I will fall tomorrow. My hope is that when I weigh in I will have lost a good amount of weight to make it tougher to cheat. Until then, I’m haunted by this fear of failing.

A Welcomed Moral

Busy, busy, busy. I love days that I am so busy that time flies and I don’t notice missing my one or two of my five small meals I eat each day. It sure does make the day easier and removes a few temptations.

There is nothing worse than sitting around feeling the belly rumble and listen to the brain send thoughts of food I can’t eat. The only downfall is when you finally stop, you sense how hungry you are. Then it is key to have a plan to eat healthily. Luckily, today, I had my family to keep me on track, and I chose wisely on a meal at Chili’s. I can’t tell you had bad I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich with bacon, cheese, a side of delicious french fries, and of course, honey mustard. Oh, that would have hit the spot! No, I had the chili mango chicken with broccoli. I passed on the rice, so the meal came to about 250 calories.

Now, the day is almost over, and with the good choices under the belt; there is no reason to blow it now. It’s funny, how I look for every opportunity of excuse to say, “I can’t blow it now. I did good today.” I guess that is the fight. Looking for a reason to fight, instead of reasons to quit. Ah, I found the moral of the blog. Find reasons to fight and not reasons to quit