A swirling vortex of terror is an accurate description of food addiction. As with any addiction, it is extremely difficult to conquer. My body will just not allow me to do it. Intentions mean nothing. All the facts of the damage I am inflicting on my body does not matter. Knowing it is slowly killing me, does not matter.
Oh, it matters, but not enough to make me fight past my body’s addiction to food, and knowing that destroys my spirit. It makes me feel weak and defeated. The more I try to succeed and the more I fail the more I fall deeper into a depression. A swirling vortex of terror.
Do I hate my life this much that I don’t care that I’m killing myself? Do I hate my family this much that I will orphan them prematurely? How selfish am I? What the hell is wrong with me?
I keep telling myself that it is not me, but the addiction that holds my body captive. My body is just addicted to the chemical release these sugary and fattening foods release. These feelings of pleasure and relaxation, I hate that I need them.
Will I ever overcome? What will it take to get me to win? Do I have to wait for a devastating health issue to convince me? I hope not. I need this.
Please let tomorrow be the day.
Who am I, really? I am a man of contradiction. A man who wants certain things but does the opposite. Knows the direction to go but heads the other way. All the time knowing he is doing it. Why?
Why do I turn to food as a form of satisfaction? Why do I need to overeat as if I am never getting food again? Why am I addicted? Why?
I have experienced the joy of success in getting control of my diet and the rewards of weight loss, but then I fall off the wagon and lose all the ground I’d gained. Why?
The Apostle Paul said, in the Bible, “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” I know he was speaking about sin and the human sin nature, and that probably has something to do with this issue. That’s another blog post all together.
It seems I have two different people living in me. The one who wants to be healthy can’t seem to win. I can see myself doing what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get my body to do it. Does this mean that I don’t want to be healthy? It must because I am not doing what it takes.
This sickness is very confusing. I know an addiction is a chemical imbalance of sorts and my body is actually working against itself to try to satisfy the addiction, but I sure do take it personally and beat myself up about it.
I know I have to take some personal responsibility and I do a great job beating myself up. I am a little punch drunk. Food has bested me this week, and I let it. I feel like Rocky Balboa after a good butt whipping.
I need to be saved from this. There must be a pill or something out there, right? No? I didn’t think so.