Addiction Sucks

A swirling vortex of terror is an accurate description of food addiction. As with any addiction, it is extremely difficult to conquer. My body will just not allow me to do it. Intentions mean nothing. All the facts of the damage I am inflicting on my body does not matter. Knowing it is slowly killing me, does not matter.

Oh, it matters, but not enough to make me fight past my body’s addiction to food, and knowing that destroys my spirit. It makes me feel weak and defeated. The more I try to succeed and the more I fail the more I fall deeper into a depression. A swirling vortex of terror.

Do I hate my life this much that I don’t care that I’m killing myself? Do I hate my family this much that I will orphan them prematurely? How selfish am I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself that it is not me, but the addiction that holds my body captive. My body is just addicted to the chemical release these sugary and fattening foods release. These feelings of pleasure and relaxation, I hate that I need them.

Will I ever overcome? What will it take to get me to win? Do I have to wait for a devastating health issue to convince me? I hope not. I need this.

Please let tomorrow be the day.

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Eureka

Smee: I’ve just had an apostrophe.

Captain Hook: I think you mean an epiphany.

Smee: [gestures his fingers to his head] Lightning has just struck my brain.

Captain Hook: Well, that must hurt.

The quotes are from the 1991 movie, Hook, starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. Great movie, by the way.

Anyway, I just had an epiphany, and it did hurt a little. I think I discovered that my goals were all wrong! I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing. I have been focusing on a number on my scale and counting how many days I was going without certain foods.

Needless to say, I hit my goal. I wanted to be a certain weight before I left on my cruise on Saturday, and I hit it this morning. I was super happy, to say the least. So, I rewarded myself with some treats I had been craving and using as a physiological reward in my mind for the past month. I ate it, and I will admit, I ate too much. I had gone too far.

As I sat on the couch stuffed, it dawned on me. Was starving myself and refraining to the point I stuff myself as soon as I hit a goal really worth it? The craving is gone because my belly is full. For a month, I counted calories and craved like crazy. Could I have seen the same or similar results if I would have kept myself satisfied with nutrition and splurged now and then? I think so.

I need to focus on a long life, healthy lifestyle, not a life of losing weight. A life of balance, moderation and taking every day as just one day in a life of thousands. Let’s see what tomorrow holds.

Driving Crazy

I am driving myself crazy! This is day two, and hopefully my last day of rest. I am still recovering from my procedure and hopefully tomorrow I will venture out, and get back on my feet. I still can’t lift or go to the gym until next week, but I can at least get my blood pumping by moving around.

It appears I have gained a pound or two from being bed ridden, even though I did not eat poorly. I just did not burn any of the calories that I normally would have just taking care of day to day tasks.

Today, I did not even want to eat I was so upset at gaining. I know it is probably water weight, and I’ll probably lose it quickly, but I am a nut case. I now want a Chik-fil-a sandwich and fries! I won’t have one, plus no one would get it for me if I asked. Darn, people who love me!