Addiction Sucks

A swirling vortex of terror is an accurate description of food addiction. As with any addiction, it is extremely difficult to conquer. My body will just not allow me to do it. Intentions mean nothing. All the facts of the damage I am inflicting on my body does not matter. Knowing it is slowly killing me, does not matter.

Oh, it matters, but not enough to make me fight past my body’s addiction to food, and knowing that destroys my spirit. It makes me feel weak and defeated. The more I try to succeed and the more I fail the more I fall deeper into a depression. A swirling vortex of terror.

Do I hate my life this much that I don’t care that I’m killing myself? Do I hate my family this much that I will orphan them prematurely? How selfish am I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself that it is not me, but the addiction that holds my body captive. My body is just addicted to the chemical release these sugary and fattening foods release. These feelings of pleasure and relaxation, I hate that I need them.

Will I ever overcome? What will it take to get me to win? Do I have to wait for a devastating health issue to convince me? I hope not. I need this.

Please let tomorrow be the day.

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Not As Easy

Who am I, really? I am a man of contradiction. A man who wants certain things but does the opposite. Knows the direction to go but heads the other way. All the time knowing he is doing it. Why?

Why do I turn to food as a form of satisfaction? Why do I need to overeat as if I am never getting food again? Why am I addicted? Why?

I have experienced the joy of success in getting control of my diet and the rewards of weight loss, but then I fall off the wagon and lose all the ground I’d gained. Why?

The Apostle Paul said, in the Bible,  “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” I know he was speaking about sin and the human sin nature, and that probably has something to do with this issue. That’s another blog post all together.

It seems I have two different people living in me. The one who wants to be healthy can’t seem to win. I can see myself doing what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get my body to do it. Does this mean that I don’t want to be healthy? It must because I am not doing what it takes.

This sickness is very confusing. I know an addiction is a chemical imbalance of sorts and my body is actually working against itself to try to satisfy the addiction, but I sure do take it personally and beat myself up about it.

I know I have to take some personal responsibility and I do a great job beating myself up. I am a little punch drunk. Food has bested me this week, and I let it. I feel like Rocky Balboa after a good butt whipping.

I need to be saved from this. There must be a pill or something out there, right? No? I didn’t think so.

The Battle Rages

I love history. I enjoy reading, and studying the past. One of my favorite parts of history is past military conflicts. I could spend hours reading and learning about how battles were raged in the past. The strategy, the near misses, the subtle things that cause a skirmish to end up one way or another. My brain is in constant battle with itself.

A battle rages and decisions are fought over. I want the results of not being addicted to food. I want the weight loss. I want to not be addicted to food. I want to be healthy. I want my entire brain to be in agreement. It seems that one side of it is hell-bent to get me to eat and gorge myself with sugar, and fatty foods. The other wants the freedom, and positive results.

As day 13 comes to a close, the battle was once again bloody, but I have stayed the course. This battle was won, but the war rages on.

This Party Is Getting Old

I am getting tired of being good. Tired of eating healthy. I’m tired of fighting these cravings. I want sugar! I want tasty, high calorie, fatty food! Uye, this is crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m seeing results. I have stuck to my diet, lost weight and have not cheated once.

I keep telling myself to hang in there. I am ten pounds away from my first goal. I have more to lose but I set a goal to be a certain weight by a certain day and it’s within reach. The problem is that it is taking to long and I am about out of patience.

Maybe, if I was not hungry all the time, I would not think of food so much. Maybe if I had long term vision I would be goal oriented more than focusing on the daily task of getting to that goal. At least, I am afraid to cheat for fear of the guilt I’ll have for blowing it and the overwhelming feeling of failure. So, I guess that can be seen as a positive.

I guess the old saying is correct, if you don’t have to work hard for something, it’s not worth having. That’s true. Problem is, I don’t keep it long once I obtain it.

Here’s to getting to my goal, keeping it, and staying the course!

The Reason For My Suffering

Like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I need a goal and a reason to lose weight, and eat healthy. Since the end of September 2014 through New Years day, I’d put on 30 pounds. Luckily, for me, I have a cruise with family and friends scheduled for the 31st of January. So, like a good food addict, I decided to try to lose about 25 pounds before the trip.

Today is day nine, and I have not cheated in any way. I have lost 10 pounds, and it is noticeable. I am happy with my results and hope to keep it up for another 17 days. I am confident I will get to my goal, even though I crave everything I can’t eat.

The serious issue, which has me, and my spouse worried is that my goal is a floating, 24-hour buffet, and I want to, and probably will, eat everything onboard. I know that is a horrible thought process. It reminds me of a story I once heard a preacher tell. It was a man dying of emphysema and going to an old town revival meeting in hopes of getting God to heal him. The evangelist at the revival prayed for the old-timer, and while praying he noticed a pack of cigarettes in the dying man’s pocket. He went to remove them while praying for the coughing man, but the old man blocked his access to the cigarettes. He tried to get them again, with the same result. Finally, the evangelist asked the old man why he wouldn’t let him take the cigarettes away if he wanted God to heal his disease. The old fellow replied that he wanted God to heal him so he could smoke more.

That was a true story, and so is mine. I am counting the days until I can eat whatever I want, until my heart is content. Oh, I tell myself and my spouse that I will use moderation and not overdo it, but I know the truth of what I really want. I don’t want to make myself sick, but I want to eat a lot. I will go and spend an hour on the treadmill as many days as I can to burn some calories, but I know I will not burn near enough to not gain back weight on this trip.

Maybe I am speaking this way because I am so hungry from cutting calories and exercising, but one thing is true, though; all, I think about, is food. I want food. Every piece of food, I want to eat it. Maybe I am dramatic. I have been accused of that before, but I love food.

When I get back from this trip I hope and pray that I will get back on a balanced diet of eating right and exercising. I don’t want to crave fatty and sugary foods anymore, but I do.

So, until I can figure it out how to defeat these cravings, I will carry on.

A Welcomed Moral

Busy, busy, busy. I love days that I am so busy that time flies and I don’t notice missing my one or two of my five small meals I eat each day. It sure does make the day easier and removes a few temptations.

There is nothing worse than sitting around feeling the belly rumble and listen to the brain send thoughts of food I can’t eat. The only downfall is when you finally stop, you sense how hungry you are. Then it is key to have a plan to eat healthily. Luckily, today, I had my family to keep me on track, and I chose wisely on a meal at Chili’s. I can’t tell you had bad I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich with bacon, cheese, a side of delicious french fries, and of course, honey mustard. Oh, that would have hit the spot! No, I had the chili mango chicken with broccoli. I passed on the rice, so the meal came to about 250 calories.

Now, the day is almost over, and with the good choices under the belt; there is no reason to blow it now. It’s funny, how I look for every opportunity of excuse to say, “I can’t blow it now. I did good today.” I guess that is the fight. Looking for a reason to fight, instead of reasons to quit. Ah, I found the moral of the blog. Find reasons to fight and not reasons to quit

I Want To Cheat

I knew as I went to bed last night that today was going to be tough. I was hungry, and I wanted to eat something delicious. So far, I have eaten the same things every day. Eggs, chicken, turkey, Greek yogurt, protein shakes and cheese sticks. I keep my calories in my target range and drank plenty of water. I had lost 6 pounds to that point but even with all that good, I wanted to be bad.

I woke up this morning, and the scale recorded some more weight lost. I had my breakfast and mid-morning snack as usual but one side of my brain was speaking to me since the night prior, “You are doing so well, you should reward yourself with a cheat meal.” I hate that side of my brain. My brain is the source of my addiction. It wants a release of pleasurable feelings that a fat filled meal and dessert would provide.

The good side of my brain did not want to blow it. I have a goal weight in mind for the end of the month, and so far I am on target. No telling how far back a cheat meal will put me. I can’t take the risk, but I want to satisfy this craving for a little variety in a healthy way.

I decided on one California Roll with brown rice. I looked up the calories for the portion I was looking at, and it was a little less than 200 calories. I hope I did not make a bad choice. I have had success in cutting out carbs and keeping a low-calorie diet. This was the only carb I have had this week. I am afraid that the scale will not reward me tomorrow. I feel guilty for eating it. Not as guilty as I would have if I hit a fast food joint, but a little guilty non-the-less.

Well, maybe I will be in luck, and I found a healthy snack that won’t counteract my diet.