Smee: I’ve just had an apostrophe.

Captain Hook: I think you mean an epiphany.

Smee: [gestures his fingers to his head] Lightning has just struck my brain.

Captain Hook: Well, that must hurt.

The quotes are from the 1991 movie, Hook, starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. Great movie, by the way.

Anyway, I just had an epiphany, and it did hurt a little. I think I discovered that my goals were all wrong! I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing. I have been focusing on a number on my scale and counting how many days I was going without certain foods.

Needless to say, I hit my goal. I wanted to be a certain weight before I left on my cruise on Saturday, and I hit it this morning. I was super happy, to say the least. So, I rewarded myself with some treats I had been craving and using as a physiological reward in my mind for the past month. I ate it, and I will admit, I ate too much. I had gone too far.

As I sat on the couch stuffed, it dawned on me. Was starving myself and refraining to the point I stuff myself as soon as I hit a goal really worth it? The craving is gone because my belly is full. For a month, I counted calories and craved like crazy. Could I have seen the same or similar results if I would have kept myself satisfied with nutrition and splurged now and then? I think so.

I need to focus on a long life, healthy lifestyle, not a life of losing weight. A life of balance, moderation and taking every day as just one day in a life of thousands. Let’s see what tomorrow holds.


This Party Is Getting Old

I am getting tired of being good. Tired of eating healthy. I’m tired of fighting these cravings. I want sugar! I want tasty, high calorie, fatty food! Uye, this is crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m seeing results. I have stuck to my diet, lost weight and have not cheated once.

I keep telling myself to hang in there. I am ten pounds away from my first goal. I have more to lose but I set a goal to be a certain weight by a certain day and it’s within reach. The problem is that it is taking to long and I am about out of patience.

Maybe, if I was not hungry all the time, I would not think of food so much. Maybe if I had long term vision I would be goal oriented more than focusing on the daily task of getting to that goal. At least, I am afraid to cheat for fear of the guilt I’ll have for blowing it and the overwhelming feeling of failure. So, I guess that can be seen as a positive.

I guess the old saying is correct, if you don’t have to work hard for something, it’s not worth having. That’s true. Problem is, I don’t keep it long once I obtain it.

Here’s to getting to my goal, keeping it, and staying the course!

The Reason For My Suffering

Like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I need a goal and a reason to lose weight, and eat healthy. Since the end of September 2014 through New Years day, I’d put on 30 pounds. Luckily, for me, I have a cruise with family and friends scheduled for the 31st of January. So, like a good food addict, I decided to try to lose about 25 pounds before the trip.

Today is day nine, and I have not cheated in any way. I have lost 10 pounds, and it is noticeable. I am happy with my results and hope to keep it up for another 17 days. I am confident I will get to my goal, even though I crave everything I can’t eat.

The serious issue, which has me, and my spouse worried is that my goal is a floating, 24-hour buffet, and I want to, and probably will, eat everything onboard. I know that is a horrible thought process. It reminds me of a story I once heard a preacher tell. It was a man dying of emphysema and going to an old town revival meeting in hopes of getting God to heal him. The evangelist at the revival prayed for the old-timer, and while praying he noticed a pack of cigarettes in the dying man’s pocket. He went to remove them while praying for the coughing man, but the old man blocked his access to the cigarettes. He tried to get them again, with the same result. Finally, the evangelist asked the old man why he wouldn’t let him take the cigarettes away if he wanted God to heal his disease. The old fellow replied that he wanted God to heal him so he could smoke more.

That was a true story, and so is mine. I am counting the days until I can eat whatever I want, until my heart is content. Oh, I tell myself and my spouse that I will use moderation and not overdo it, but I know the truth of what I really want. I don’t want to make myself sick, but I want to eat a lot. I will go and spend an hour on the treadmill as many days as I can to burn some calories, but I know I will not burn near enough to not gain back weight on this trip.

Maybe I am speaking this way because I am so hungry from cutting calories and exercising, but one thing is true, though; all, I think about, is food. I want food. Every piece of food, I want to eat it. Maybe I am dramatic. I have been accused of that before, but I love food.

When I get back from this trip I hope and pray that I will get back on a balanced diet of eating right and exercising. I don’t want to crave fatty and sugary foods anymore, but I do.

So, until I can figure it out how to defeat these cravings, I will carry on.

Will This Ever End

How long will it take to change my thinking? I want to not be tempted by food. I want to be able to say, “No.” I want to eat healthy without counting the days until I can eat everything not healthy. Why can’t I be focused on losing weight and getting healthy, instead of focused on the fact I am not eating garbage. I want garbage.

My brain just does not want to change. I want to lose weight, get healthy, and eat whatever I want. I guess that means that I want my cake and to eat it too, literally. I love cake. I can’t. If I eat what I want to, I will go off the deep end. Does this mean that I will need to abstain from these foods forever? I can’t even start to fathom that.

So, does this mean I am locked into this loop forever? Lose weight, gain it all back, and more, lose it again, before starting the loop again? That can’t be a healthy lifestyle. How do I break this pattern? Can I be cured? It does not feel possible.

I guess, until I figure it out, I’ll just keep losing weight while eating healthy and hope that when I get down to my goal weight that I’ll find a life of moderation.

A Welcomed Moral

Busy, busy, busy. I love days that I am so busy that time flies and I don’t notice missing my one or two of my five small meals I eat each day. It sure does make the day easier and removes a few temptations.

There is nothing worse than sitting around feeling the belly rumble and listen to the brain send thoughts of food I can’t eat. The only downfall is when you finally stop, you sense how hungry you are. Then it is key to have a plan to eat healthily. Luckily, today, I had my family to keep me on track, and I chose wisely on a meal at Chili’s. I can’t tell you had bad I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich with bacon, cheese, a side of delicious french fries, and of course, honey mustard. Oh, that would have hit the spot! No, I had the chili mango chicken with broccoli. I passed on the rice, so the meal came to about 250 calories.

Now, the day is almost over, and with the good choices under the belt; there is no reason to blow it now. It’s funny, how I look for every opportunity of excuse to say, “I can’t blow it now. I did good today.” I guess that is the fight. Looking for a reason to fight, instead of reasons to quit. Ah, I found the moral of the blog. Find reasons to fight and not reasons to quit

I Want To Cheat

I knew as I went to bed last night that today was going to be tough. I was hungry, and I wanted to eat something delicious. So far, I have eaten the same things every day. Eggs, chicken, turkey, Greek yogurt, protein shakes and cheese sticks. I keep my calories in my target range and drank plenty of water. I had lost 6 pounds to that point but even with all that good, I wanted to be bad.

I woke up this morning, and the scale recorded some more weight lost. I had my breakfast and mid-morning snack as usual but one side of my brain was speaking to me since the night prior, “You are doing so well, you should reward yourself with a cheat meal.” I hate that side of my brain. My brain is the source of my addiction. It wants a release of pleasurable feelings that a fat filled meal and dessert would provide.

The good side of my brain did not want to blow it. I have a goal weight in mind for the end of the month, and so far I am on target. No telling how far back a cheat meal will put me. I can’t take the risk, but I want to satisfy this craving for a little variety in a healthy way.

I decided on one California Roll with brown rice. I looked up the calories for the portion I was looking at, and it was a little less than 200 calories. I hope I did not make a bad choice. I have had success in cutting out carbs and keeping a low-calorie diet. This was the only carb I have had this week. I am afraid that the scale will not reward me tomorrow. I feel guilty for eating it. Not as guilty as I would have if I hit a fast food joint, but a little guilty non-the-less.

Well, maybe I will be in luck, and I found a healthy snack that won’t counteract my diet.

The Long Road

Today I reflect on the long road I have come and the long journey ahead of me. I have fought food addiction for decades. Many of those early years, I had no idea I was addicted. Every time I reached a goal I would relax and celebrate by going on a binge of eating all the foods I had refrained from while on a diet. This caused me to spiral back into the swirling vortex of my addiction. A day would turn into two. A week turned into a month, and so on.

Each time I would say, “This is it! I’m never going back to my old weight!” Unfortunately, each time I did, and usually a bit farther. The last major victory, I had, was over the summer came to an end in October of last year. I had gotten to the heaviest I had ever been the previous year, and I was in a bad place. I got strict and had the best results ever. I lost 60 pounds and was looking good. I figured if I could maintain that for a bit, and just lose a pound or two a week. Then I would have it made. A perfect blend of eating some stuff I wanted, while keeping up with healthy choices.

I told myself, “If I put on more than two pounds, I will get strict for a day or two until it comes off.” Made sense. That worked the first time. Then two became five. Then I got strict for a day. Then five became ten. Got strict for a day or two. Ten became fifteen, and then the floodgates opened. I have gained back 75% of the weight I had just lost.

Once again, my goal is to not fall into the same pattern this time. Trouble is, I can’t figure out why it will be different this time.