Who am I, really? I am a man of contradiction. A man who wants certain things but does the opposite. Knows the direction to go but heads the other way. All the time knowing he is doing it. Why?
Why do I turn to food as a form of satisfaction? Why do I need to overeat as if I am never getting food again? Why am I addicted? Why?
I have experienced the joy of success in getting control of my diet and the rewards of weight loss, but then I fall off the wagon and lose all the ground I’d gained. Why?
The Apostle Paul said, in the Bible, “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” I know he was speaking about sin and the human sin nature, and that probably has something to do with this issue. That’s another blog post all together.
It seems I have two different people living in me. The one who wants to be healthy can’t seem to win. I can see myself doing what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get my body to do it. Does this mean that I don’t want to be healthy? It must because I am not doing what it takes.
This sickness is very confusing. I know an addiction is a chemical imbalance of sorts and my body is actually working against itself to try to satisfy the addiction, but I sure do take it personally and beat myself up about it.
I know I have to take some personal responsibility and I do a great job beating myself up. I am a little punch drunk. Food has bested me this week, and I let it. I feel like Rocky Balboa after a good butt whipping.
I need to be saved from this. There must be a pill or something out there, right? No? I didn’t think so.