Not As Easy

Who am I, really? I am a man of contradiction. A man who wants certain things but does the opposite. Knows the direction to go but heads the other way. All the time knowing he is doing it. Why?

Why do I turn to food as a form of satisfaction? Why do I need to overeat as if I am never getting food again? Why am I addicted? Why?

I have experienced the joy of success in getting control of my diet and the rewards of weight loss, but then I fall off the wagon and lose all the ground I’d gained. Why?

The Apostle Paul said, in the Bible,  “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” I know he was speaking about sin and the human sin nature, and that probably has something to do with this issue. That’s another blog post all together.

It seems I have two different people living in me. The one who wants to be healthy can’t seem to win. I can see myself doing what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get my body to do it. Does this mean that I don’t want to be healthy? It must because I am not doing what it takes.

This sickness is very confusing. I know an addiction is a chemical imbalance of sorts and my body is actually working against itself to try to satisfy the addiction, but I sure do take it personally and beat myself up about it.

I know I have to take some personal responsibility and I do a great job beating myself up. I am a little punch drunk. Food has bested me this week, and I let it. I feel like Rocky Balboa after a good butt whipping.

I need to be saved from this. There must be a pill or something out there, right? No? I didn’t think so.

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Eureka

Smee: I’ve just had an apostrophe.

Captain Hook: I think you mean an epiphany.

Smee: [gestures his fingers to his head] Lightning has just struck my brain.

Captain Hook: Well, that must hurt.

The quotes are from the 1991 movie, Hook, starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. Great movie, by the way.

Anyway, I just had an epiphany, and it did hurt a little. I think I discovered that my goals were all wrong! I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing. I have been focusing on a number on my scale and counting how many days I was going without certain foods.

Needless to say, I hit my goal. I wanted to be a certain weight before I left on my cruise on Saturday, and I hit it this morning. I was super happy, to say the least. So, I rewarded myself with some treats I had been craving and using as a physiological reward in my mind for the past month. I ate it, and I will admit, I ate too much. I had gone too far.

As I sat on the couch stuffed, it dawned on me. Was starving myself and refraining to the point I stuff myself as soon as I hit a goal really worth it? The craving is gone because my belly is full. For a month, I counted calories and craved like crazy. Could I have seen the same or similar results if I would have kept myself satisfied with nutrition and splurged now and then? I think so.

I need to focus on a long life, healthy lifestyle, not a life of losing weight. A life of balance, moderation and taking every day as just one day in a life of thousands. Let’s see what tomorrow holds.

This Party Is Getting Old

I am getting tired of being good. Tired of eating healthy. I’m tired of fighting these cravings. I want sugar! I want tasty, high calorie, fatty food! Uye, this is crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m seeing results. I have stuck to my diet, lost weight and have not cheated once.

I keep telling myself to hang in there. I am ten pounds away from my first goal. I have more to lose but I set a goal to be a certain weight by a certain day and it’s within reach. The problem is that it is taking to long and I am about out of patience.

Maybe, if I was not hungry all the time, I would not think of food so much. Maybe if I had long term vision I would be goal oriented more than focusing on the daily task of getting to that goal. At least, I am afraid to cheat for fear of the guilt I’ll have for blowing it and the overwhelming feeling of failure. So, I guess that can be seen as a positive.

I guess the old saying is correct, if you don’t have to work hard for something, it’s not worth having. That’s true. Problem is, I don’t keep it long once I obtain it.

Here’s to getting to my goal, keeping it, and staying the course!

The Reason For My Suffering

Like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I need a goal and a reason to lose weight, and eat healthy. Since the end of September 2014 through New Years day, I’d put on 30 pounds. Luckily, for me, I have a cruise with family and friends scheduled for the 31st of January. So, like a good food addict, I decided to try to lose about 25 pounds before the trip.

Today is day nine, and I have not cheated in any way. I have lost 10 pounds, and it is noticeable. I am happy with my results and hope to keep it up for another 17 days. I am confident I will get to my goal, even though I crave everything I can’t eat.

The serious issue, which has me, and my spouse worried is that my goal is a floating, 24-hour buffet, and I want to, and probably will, eat everything onboard. I know that is a horrible thought process. It reminds me of a story I once heard a preacher tell. It was a man dying of emphysema and going to an old town revival meeting in hopes of getting God to heal him. The evangelist at the revival prayed for the old-timer, and while praying he noticed a pack of cigarettes in the dying man’s pocket. He went to remove them while praying for the coughing man, but the old man blocked his access to the cigarettes. He tried to get them again, with the same result. Finally, the evangelist asked the old man why he wouldn’t let him take the cigarettes away if he wanted God to heal his disease. The old fellow replied that he wanted God to heal him so he could smoke more.

That was a true story, and so is mine. I am counting the days until I can eat whatever I want, until my heart is content. Oh, I tell myself and my spouse that I will use moderation and not overdo it, but I know the truth of what I really want. I don’t want to make myself sick, but I want to eat a lot. I will go and spend an hour on the treadmill as many days as I can to burn some calories, but I know I will not burn near enough to not gain back weight on this trip.

Maybe I am speaking this way because I am so hungry from cutting calories and exercising, but one thing is true, though; all, I think about, is food. I want food. Every piece of food, I want to eat it. Maybe I am dramatic. I have been accused of that before, but I love food.

When I get back from this trip I hope and pray that I will get back on a balanced diet of eating right and exercising. I don’t want to crave fatty and sugary foods anymore, but I do.

So, until I can figure it out how to defeat these cravings, I will carry on.

The Dawn Of Day Two

As my eyes opened on the morning of the second day of battle, I had already felt that something was different. Where was the overwhelming confidence and determination I had yesterday? It was half gone. I turned to and prayed that the Lord would give me strength to make it through another day and the mindset to eat healthily.

I grabbed a low carb protein shake to curb the hunger while battling the thought on how good a Chik-fil-a breakfast would taste. I keep telling myself that I lost two and a half pounds from yesterday and if I have another successful day of eating that I might hit a minor goal on the scale.

You see, I need short-term goals to continue. I need to see some progress. I give myself small goals, or I will lose focus. For example, if I can get through one day or if my weight drops past the 5 or the 0 on the scale. That might seem weird, but it works for me. You have to have some system to keep you motivated, and that’s mine.

I am going to go get my day started. Make some egg beaters and turkey sausage and stay busy. I would sure love to get two wins in a row.

In The Books

Day one is just about in the books, and today I can say, food addiction, you lost! I did it! For most of the day, it was an easy decision. I was busy but determined. I will admit that I am very hungry right now, and I could go for some chicken and biscuits. The saving grace is that it is late, and I won’t blow it now.

My next big test comes in the morning. My hope is that the scale will show some progress that will help motivate me through half the day. Two days in a row would be great. I have failed after day one more times than there is sand on the beach. I want to succeed. I want this to be the start of the end of the battle of my bulge.

Lastly, why does there have to be so many commercials about food and why is the Food Network stuck on the TV?